The triathlon training blog of Phil Barnes

I almost never do this

I almost never do this, pass on viral email jokes, that is. But my sister sent me this today - and frankly, I'm in tears right now. Without further ado:

> Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
> To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
> Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way.
> While going in an elevator, gasp dramatically each time the doors open.
> Walk sideways to the photocopier
> When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and insist it wasn't you.
> Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."
> Don't use any punctuation.
> Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.
> Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
> Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
> Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
> Every time you get an email, shout ''email''.
> Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
> Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, "dagnamit, it happened again!". Then do it again.
> Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any pornography web sites.
> At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
> Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
> For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave".
> After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: "The report is on your desk, mon" Keep this up for 1 hour.
> In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
> At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"
> Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Nevermind, it's gone now."
> During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door. (Extra points if you scoot it out of the room altogether!)
> As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
> Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean into the machine and whisper loudly, "I'll see YOU tonight!"